So I’ve previously mentioned on my social media pages that all of my Daily Reminder Prints have some sort of significance to me, with my latest one (Mind over Matter) being no exception.
If you’ve stalked my social pages (which we both know you have.. wink wink) you’ll know that I’m some blonde chick from Melbourne with a toddler, who likes the beach, to paint & recently moved house.
And for those of you who know me personally or have become a complete stalker and checked out my website then you know that my name isn’t actually Marlie….. (GASP)
For those of you in the final (and what I refer to as the lucky) group who know me really, really well you’ll know that I’ve dealt with mental health issues for approximately 21 of my 36 years – about 18 of those 21 years were undiagnosed and more just a constant knowing that something just wasn’t quite right with me (both my opinion and the people who fall into this category I’m sure.)
Today’s daily reminder was only prompted very recently when I had a couple of girlfriends come over who have known me for a good 20 years, they commented as soon as they saw me (as have many lately) about how much weight I’ve lost recently and how good I look. To which my response was simply a shrug of the shoulders “yeah a little bit” and a quick change of conversation.
This made me stop and ask myself later that night when they’d gone why that was my response??
My weight has fluctuated over the years anywhere from 75kgs to 110kgs…. I now know that a lot of that had to do with my mental health battles & I can now look back and pinpoint exactly what triggered every single weight loss and weight gain!
Usually a weight gain was during a time that I was relatively happy – or had at least convinced myself I was, until all of a sudden (and when I say sudden I mean like could be half way through a cough kinda sudden) I realise I wasn’t really happy and had only just been faking what I thought was happy. This sudden shift would then entail me entering into a common faze of my life that I like to refer to as the ‘WTF are you doing stage’ which would involve me doing something usually irrational and spontaneous such as quit my job or break up with whomever I was dating at the time, go on some fad diet or succumb to one of my many… let’s just say bad habits that would in turn lead to weight loss.
Whenever I’ve lost weight in the past and someone has commented I have instantly told them exactly how much weight I’ve lost and how I did it! Why? Because validation and feeling accepted and like you fit in is what I craved for more than anything. For some reason there was this constant feeling of just not being good enough that lingered & every time I lost weight it was like people seemed pleased and happy for me or to some degree I felt noticed me.
So why has my response been so different this time? To clarify I have lost 14 kilos in approx. 9 months.... and am currently sitting at the smallest weight I’ve been since I was about 17. A big accomplishment I know but yet I have felt no real need to disclose any information or discuss it as I have in the past.
Then it dawned on me – I haven’t lost weight…. I’m actually genuinely happy and in a good place in my life right now - I don't even notice the fact I've lost weight when I look in the mirror at the moment.
Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t just wake up one day and be happy and skinnier (sorry no big fad diet to start) but instead have worked really hard over the last 3 years at simply improving my mental health.
I thought it absolutely absurd the day that my therapist first told me I had to start focusing on me and what makes me happy and do little things each day that will make me happy – in my mind I’d put everyone close to me through hell and back a million times over & she wants me to focus on me!!! How selfish could I be?
But I listened – and I tried – because if I didn’t I was just going to stay on this crazy roller coaster forever, never really knowing where I was heading and continuing to hurt anyone who ever got too close for who knows what reason.
For the first time since high school I picked up some paint brushes and started painting (Scribble the painting behind today’s quote was the first thing I painted – it was painted in half an hour and with not a single thought in my mind.) It was also about that time that I started using affirmations as part of my life…. They helped then and continue to now when I feel my thoughts slip back into old habits and thought processes that I am now aware aren’t good for me.
So MIND OVER MATTER
Did I do a single bit of exercise to lose that 14 Kilos? = No.
Did I change any of me eating habits or even think about how I was eating? = No
I hate exercise for the record – despise it – and not just in the I’m unfit and unhealthy so it hurts kind of way either – I actually used to be fit and healthy and did a lot of sport – but I didn’t enjoy it one single bit nor did it make me feel better. Why did I do it – again because it was what I needed to do to feel like I fitted in and would impress the people around me. Let's face it, in sport you win trophy's and medals etc and you you'd be lying if you tell me that you don't know the name of the person from your year level at school who was always on the top of the podium at school sports day!
On that note – next time you even think about saying to someone who’s a bit down in the dumps and possibly a bit overweight, 'why don’t you get out the house and do some exercise – go on, go for a walk, it’ll make you feel better!!!!'
NO IT BLOODY WON’T – the only thing exercising does for someone that falls into that category is 1. Make them realise that any type of clothing in existence made for exercising always makes you look at least 5kgs heavier than you already are. 2.That you have some sort of pain somewhere that you didn’t know about that you now need to get checked out. 3. That every single person in every single car that passes you is staring at you with pity because you look like an absolute dick waddling around the block and finally (as you reach the door to your house after walking the 500 metres around your block and are seriously contemplating calling an ambulance because you’re possibly having a heart attack) 4. Make you feel even worse than you already did before you left because you’ve just failed at something else in your life the same way you do everything else!!
(Any fitness fanatics that are still reading – YES I know that exercising and eating healthy is good for you blah blah blah – I’m not saying that it isn’t!)
What I’m saying is – one step at a time, get your mind happy and the rest will follow! Yes I’m probably going to have to kick in a bit of exercise now to tighten up the flab but you know what - Now I’m gonna strut round that block like a pig in shit cos I know who I am, I accept who I am I know what I like, I understand how I feel, I live each and every single moment in the present, I know what makes me happy (and I make that happen nobody else) and finally because – I didn’t lose weight this time….. I simply found me!